Take a deep breath, phew! OK, now that's taken care of...here goes nothing...
Oh and by the way, if you haven't read the previous blog wouldacouldashoulda, this wouldn't make sense. Then again, it just may.
Before I get into this, I am sure that some people who read my blog didn't understand what I was talking about. On July 19, I found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited, but fearing miscarriage, I didn't tell anyone except for my in-laws and my family. The wouldacouldashoulda blog was about me finally saying out "loud" that I am pregnant, when I was over my first trimester. Unfortunately, the baby didn't last that long for me to make the "big" announcement.
On Wednesday, I saw some brown discharge. I was freaking out because I thought that I was miscarrying. James' mother told me not to worry because she has had some brown discharge when she was pregnant and everything turned out fine. She even showed me a website just to calm my nerves. I pretended that I was fine I guess just to shut her up, but I knew (call it hind-sight) that something was wrong. When I got home, I looked up brown discharge even further and some women who had brown discharge ended up miscarrying. I knew it. I knew then that I was miscarrying. The next morning, I had brown discharge still, but nothing red like blood so I went to work. That's when it happened. Sean went to break and it was just Dennis and myself. The District Manager, Bill came in shortly after. I was just working and I felt something strange so I went into the bathroom and I stuck my finger down my pants and I saw red. I told Dennis that I am miscarrying and he told me to take a break and from there, I called my doctor and I had to leave work immediately.
The doctor told me that I was measuring 7 weeks, but I told him that I was 9 weeks. That's when he told me that the baby died a week or two ago. I didn't even know. Had no blood no strong cramps that would tell me that I need to go to the doctor immediately.
I COULDN'T make sense of all of this when I found out, but when it happened, I knew that I WOULDN'T be able to keep this all to myself. I knew that I SHOULDN'T keep it away from my parents, in-laws, and close friend because I am not that good at keeping things to myself. When friends and family that found out that I miscarried, I knew that I SHOULDN'T say that I am fine when I knew that I wasn't. I COULDN'T go back to work the next day because the baby was still passing through me so I am out of work until Wednesday. The baby finally passed me on Friday and it wasn't good. I was in pain physically and emotionally.
I SHOULDN'T say that it was my fault because it wasn't. Like my Mom said, maybe God didn't want me to be pregnant at this time. Maybe He wanted me to do a "trial run" like my mother-in-law said. I know that I want to be pregnant again, but when I am not totally sure. I have somedays that I want to try again, but I don't want to rush myself.
There's a song by The William Brothers called "I CAN'T cry Hard Enough" and I think that this song perfectly fits what I am going through right now. Here are the lyrics:
I'm gonna live my life like every days' the last without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast and now that you're gone I CAN'T cry heard enough I CAN'T cry hard enough for you to hear me now gonna open my eyes and see for the first time I've let go of you like a child letting go of his kite There it goes up in the sky there it goes beyond the clouds for no reason why I CAN'T cry hard enough No, I CAN'T cry hard enough for you to hear me now gonna look back in vain and see you standing there when all that remains is just an empty chair and now that you're gone I CAN'T cry hard enough, I CAN'T cry hard enoughfor you to hear me now There it goes, up in the sky there it goes beyond the clouds for no reason why I CAN'T cry hard enough, no I CAN'T cry hard enough for you to hear me now.
Typing this makes me feel better in fact, it makes me heal. I am doing much better than I was Thursday, Friday, and part of Saturday. Sorry to whoever reads this. I didn't intend to make anyone sad. I hope that I can write on here that I am so many months pregnant and that we are having a boy/girl. Until the next blog everyone, have a good week and God bless!
Oh and by the way, if you haven't read the previous blog wouldacouldashoulda, this wouldn't make sense. Then again, it just may.
Before I get into this, I am sure that some people who read my blog didn't understand what I was talking about. On July 19, I found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited, but fearing miscarriage, I didn't tell anyone except for my in-laws and my family. The wouldacouldashoulda blog was about me finally saying out "loud" that I am pregnant, when I was over my first trimester. Unfortunately, the baby didn't last that long for me to make the "big" announcement.
On Wednesday, I saw some brown discharge. I was freaking out because I thought that I was miscarrying. James' mother told me not to worry because she has had some brown discharge when she was pregnant and everything turned out fine. She even showed me a website just to calm my nerves. I pretended that I was fine I guess just to shut her up, but I knew (call it hind-sight) that something was wrong. When I got home, I looked up brown discharge even further and some women who had brown discharge ended up miscarrying. I knew it. I knew then that I was miscarrying. The next morning, I had brown discharge still, but nothing red like blood so I went to work. That's when it happened. Sean went to break and it was just Dennis and myself. The District Manager, Bill came in shortly after. I was just working and I felt something strange so I went into the bathroom and I stuck my finger down my pants and I saw red. I told Dennis that I am miscarrying and he told me to take a break and from there, I called my doctor and I had to leave work immediately.
The doctor told me that I was measuring 7 weeks, but I told him that I was 9 weeks. That's when he told me that the baby died a week or two ago. I didn't even know. Had no blood no strong cramps that would tell me that I need to go to the doctor immediately.
I COULDN'T make sense of all of this when I found out, but when it happened, I knew that I WOULDN'T be able to keep this all to myself. I knew that I SHOULDN'T keep it away from my parents, in-laws, and close friend because I am not that good at keeping things to myself. When friends and family that found out that I miscarried, I knew that I SHOULDN'T say that I am fine when I knew that I wasn't. I COULDN'T go back to work the next day because the baby was still passing through me so I am out of work until Wednesday. The baby finally passed me on Friday and it wasn't good. I was in pain physically and emotionally.
I SHOULDN'T say that it was my fault because it wasn't. Like my Mom said, maybe God didn't want me to be pregnant at this time. Maybe He wanted me to do a "trial run" like my mother-in-law said. I know that I want to be pregnant again, but when I am not totally sure. I have somedays that I want to try again, but I don't want to rush myself.
There's a song by The William Brothers called "I CAN'T cry Hard Enough" and I think that this song perfectly fits what I am going through right now. Here are the lyrics:
I'm gonna live my life like every days' the last without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast and now that you're gone I CAN'T cry heard enough I CAN'T cry hard enough for you to hear me now gonna open my eyes and see for the first time I've let go of you like a child letting go of his kite There it goes up in the sky there it goes beyond the clouds for no reason why I CAN'T cry hard enough No, I CAN'T cry hard enough for you to hear me now gonna look back in vain and see you standing there when all that remains is just an empty chair and now that you're gone I CAN'T cry hard enough, I CAN'T cry hard enoughfor you to hear me now There it goes, up in the sky there it goes beyond the clouds for no reason why I CAN'T cry hard enough, no I CAN'T cry hard enough for you to hear me now.
Typing this makes me feel better in fact, it makes me heal. I am doing much better than I was Thursday, Friday, and part of Saturday. Sorry to whoever reads this. I didn't intend to make anyone sad. I hope that I can write on here that I am so many months pregnant and that we are having a boy/girl. Until the next blog everyone, have a good week and God bless!
